


Dad Egbert: The Final Confrontation

by Meteors



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dad - Freeform, Jeff Foxworthy - Freeform, Jihad, John - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-11
Updated: 2011-05-11
Packaged: 2017-10-19 06:14:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/197843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meteors/pseuds/Meteors
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John's dear old dad swore death and destruction to all of facial hairkind ever since he first noticed peach fuzz on his face at age 12. This tale chronicles the culmination of decades of hatred and the true final battle between man and stache.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dad Egbert: The Final Confrontation

**Author's Note:**

> Another half an hour ordeal I thought would be cool for shits and giggles. It's obviously canon and takes place before Homestuck.

Today was the day that the deed would be done. Ever since the Jeff Foxworthy Show had reared it's mustached, southern face,he knew he had a job. He was not a selfish man by any means. While he would derive great joy from his intended action, he would be saving a life.

Today was the day Dad Egbert shaved the mustache of Jeff Foxworthy.

Barnes and Noble was having a book signing today. Mr. Foxworthy would be autographing the first editions of America's favorite book, The Jeff Foxworthy Redneck Dictionary. Hundreds of people waited in line with copies of the hickish lexicon under their arms eagerly anticipating a few "You know you're a redneck when..." jokes and the few precious seconds they would spend in the presence of those divine follicles. Mr. Egbert however, was the exception to this rule.

"Dad, dad!" John said glancing up at his old man. "Listen uh, I know your sudden interest in Jeff Foxworthy it very...cool and all I guess you'd say, but they have a ton of new books in that I want to read. This line is kinda long, I won't miss anything!" He looked into the immense nostrils of his father's nose hoping that they would blow a plume of steam signifying permission to go venture off.

The older Egbert looked down on his son and scratched at his grizzled chin with a slight frown. "Alright then, son. Though, what book did you have in mind? I want you to witness what is about to take place here. Perhaps I could just have one of the workers here bring you the book so you don't have to get out of line."

John looked at his shoes and bit his lip. His over sized and highly powerful bucked teeth drew an enormous amount of blood which John's father cleaned up with a well placed swipe of a Pampers Baby Towelette. "It's uh. You know...like...kid stuff." He looked into the vast nasal craters once again, but was met with an unchanged air of confusion. "It's um...a manga. Super Witch Detective."

Mr. Egbert let out a low sigh and patted his son on the head. "You'll grow out of it. I know you will, but for now, enjoy your tiny little witch girl comic books. I love you son." He said in a very supportive tone. This caused John to tear up knowing he had dealt another crippling blow to his father's already overtaxed psyche and ran off to see what Witchie-tan had been up to since volume 4.

The line moved up a bit in the next twenty minutes. Dad could hear the southerner's high pitched drawl more clearly with every step. It sicken him. It truly did. "For Strider." He muttered. "Perhaps then I can have my friend back..." Tears ran down the massive continent that was Egbert's nose and they plopped to the floor. Yes, this man, Jeff Foxworthy, had changed his dearest friend, Bro Strider, into a horrible shell of his former self. That is to say, the same man he always was....but one with an """"Ironic"""" Jeff Foxworthy mustache.

Dad was soon in sight of Foxworthy. He opened his wallet and took a deep breath through his nose as his eyes fell on the shaver. The resulting gust removed three people in front of him and he silently took a step up in line. This was it. He was standing before the demon now. The fibers in the mustache seemed to taunt him as the redneck messiah articulated the bumpkin idiocies that spewed constantly from his mouth.

"Well shoot, you must've been waitin' a long time!" Foxworthy said opening Dad's copy of the book. "Say feller, you didn't bring a pen witchyadidja?"

An eyebrow was raised on Mr. Egbert's behalf. "Pardon me sir, what was that last part?"

"Witchyadidja!" Foxworthy repeated without losing any of his previous energy. "Redneck word of the week! Like with ya did ya! You didn't bring a pen with ya did ya?" He chuckled. He was fully aware that he was a comic genius and Dad was just a mortal man.

"No sir, I did not bring a pen on my person." Egbert said in a low voice. "However, I brought something else entirely." He opened his wallet once more and quickly applied the Barbosol to the accursed bit of facial fur and pinned Foxworthy to the ground. The shaver bit into the mustache and let out a demonic hiss as bits and pieces of Foxworthy fuz filled the air.

 

 

"So did you shave it off?" Dad said.

"That shit? No it was fake." Bro said. "It was to ride the coat tails of all this redneck bullshit for the site you know. Say, where are you callin from? This isn't the phone I tapped."

"This is my one phone call." Egbert said formally. "Say, I sent John to live with you and David for a while, I hope you don't mind."

"What do you mean?" Bro said jamming a puppet casually down Dave's throat. The little hipster had said a swear again. He uttered the word "celery" without warrant.

"Oh I'm going away for a while. To prison. If I bake plenty of cakes I can get out in a year!"

"Huh. Well whatever man. I'll just bug Lalonde from now on and raise uh. Who was it? Jimmy? Ok yeah see you in a year bro."

"Wait Strider I have specific instructions for raising Jo---" Then silence. Then a click.

 

-Fin


End file.
